Living the life. With PPCM

I just don't know how to quit.

In 2012 I was diagnosed with PPCM shortly after I delivered my daughter. My delivery was not your traditional, happy , smooth process. or Even with a little drama, it wasn't the norm. It was probably the scariest moment in my life.

PPCM is a rare heart condition that occurs in the last month of pregnancy and up to six months after. This condition causes the heart chambers to enlarge and the muscle weakens, causing a decrease in the percentage of blood that is ejected from the heart with each contraction. The heart is no longer able to meet the body's demands for oxygen, affecting the lungs, liver and other body systems Source: heart.org.

Scary? Yeah. I'd say so.

The most scariest part of all of this, is not knowing what this is, or that you have it.  When I delivered Lily, I knew something was wrong, but I was told it was just my asthma. It took a lot of insisting for me to get checked by a cardiologist. To think they would have sent me home with heart failure if I didn't insist on something being wrong.

Fast forward 4 years, many tears, losses, depression, fears later I am considered "recovered" . Recovery just means that my heart is pumping normal again. But I don't consider myself normal. I have a hard time if I'm stressed, and any workout I do I have to build myself up to it, otherwise I'd be winded for days.

Normal also means that I can have more children but PPCM can be worse with the next pregnancy. Although many people say it is okay to do so, and I'm sure there is research now that can aid one in this situation, everyone is different. Every mind is also different. I choose not to.

I at first, was so angry. Why me? Why did this happen to me? Why me? I wanted to just be the normal person. I was so angry that this condition just had to happen to me. That my delivery was not the enjoyable , memorable one. That I didn't see my baby for a whole day while in the hospital because I was busy getting myself checked out. I felt like I failed at something and I couldn't understand why.

Being healthy all of my life and pretty active, it was so difficult to understand why I had gotten this unknown, rare, inexplainable heart condition.

Once I slowly began to recover, I wanted to go back to the gym, to go back to being my normal self so bad. I jumped on the elliptical for 30 long minutes, and then did light weight squats and i'm talking 20lb squat bar. I was winded for about a week straight after that. Needless to say I became more angry...and more disappointed.

It took me a month to accept my definition of NORMAL. Normal for me is still taking things slow, ensuring I don't stress much, and accepting that I, although wanted more kids, have a house for plenty of them, can't have them. It took me a long time to accept the new normal.

Once I accepted the normal definition for me in the gym, I started off very slow. I signed up for weightlifting classes because it helped me stay at a slow pace rather than my "normal" just do it pace. I eventually was able to continue lifting, and I learned to love bodybuilding in the process.

Today, I am pretty much normal. I can do everything anyone else can do and I push to do more, just because I cannot just sit back and take this horrible event. I want to feel like I overcame it. I live life a day at a time, and I always laugh at everything. Good or bad. It doesn't matter. I love having a positive outlook in life because negativity is more draining. "look at the bright side" at least I'm alive to see my kids grow, at least i can still function... someone, somewhere always has it worse than you.

Working Mom duties.. How do you do it all?

My son had been sick for over a week with a fever last week. I had to take off work in order to take care of them. Thankfully, my managers are very understanding and help me when I need.
I was home for the entire day, tending to my son. His fever was consistent for so long, that I was starting to worry. Most people probably don't worry as much as I do, but I have had some family experiences that only make me question the doctors, and I am not at peace until I see that my kids are healing.
Trying to go to the gym, get work done, keep the house clean, cook for the little ones, and keep myself sane was so hard. I would be up at 4am with cold rags on my son's head to keep the fever down, and I'd probably fall asleep at 6am. My husband would let me sleep until about 9am, and the day got started as he headed into work. I tried to work from home as much as I could, and spend time with the kids. Although he was pretty sick, we enjoyed our time by watching movies, and snuggling no the couch. How did I keep up with my workouts and eating? Well, I made sure I had my meals prepped on Sunday. This is helpful because, life happens. Had I not prepped my meals for the entire week, I probably would not have been successful at staying on track because I was so busy taking care of the kids first. My husband would get home at about 11pm from work, and I'd rush out the door to the gym. All depending on the kids. If my son had a  high fever, I would wait for it to go down, then go. There were nights that I got back home at 2am from the gym. Only to be up in a few hours to take care of the fever again. Being a mom is so difficult, and setting goals for yourself is that much harder. You feel selfish, overwhelmed and stressed at times.
Someone who did not know that my son was sick, was asking me about my fitness journey. I was very welcoming and explained my daily routines, just to sound supportive and motivate the person to get started also. The response I got was, "How do you have time for your kids, do you must not do anything with them."
Needless to say, I was annoyed, offended, and hurt my her comment. With my son being sick and me being in the office that day, I was ready to cry. Before throwing in the towel I realized that, I am going to be judged anyways. I'll be judged for staying at home. I'll be judged for working. I'll be judged for not doing anything for myself. No matter what you do, people will have something to say. So, for the people who want to know how I work fulltime, and take care of the kids alone all week, and still work out six times a week and prep all my meals and get it all done? It's called drive. I'm driven, and I don't know how to be anything other than busy. I've grown up with parents who taught me what hard work is like. My father always told me that life is hard, and you have to get up and do it yourself. If you want something, you have to make a plan, and figure it out. Most of all, take things day by day. If I were to think of all of the things I have to do for the entire week, I'd stress and throw in the towel. I worry about Thursday. Today. What I need to accomplish for the day. My kids are active in basketball, soccer, swimming, and ballet and I do these things during the week also. It is exhausting, I can't lie. But it works for me and my family. We spend a lot of down time at home on the weekends, and my kids are happy as can be. I miss them, I wish I could be at home all day sometimes, but I make the best of my circumstances. That is what sets me apart from the people who say I do too much. I love it all. and I everything my all.

Learning to love Mother's day

So I've hated Mother's Day ever since the loss of my third child. I felt that it wasn't for someone like me. I wasn't good enough to be celebrated for a job that I was supposed to do. I turned away celebrations, text messages, phone calls every Mother's day for the last three years. I'd only post a picture of my kids, and visit my mother. That was all.

As my kids are older and now in school, they have a better understanding of these holidays. For the last week, my kids have been doing so much talking about this great Mother's day event. They tell me to cover my ears while they discuss what gift, besides a hug and kiss and good behavior they are going to give me. I sit quietly and listen, and try to tell them that it is not a big deal.

Just yesterday my daugther came home with a picture that she drew for me at school, for Mother's day. The photo said " I love it when you..... and she finished it off with "cook eggs and bacon".

When I got home from work , she was waiting on the porch with a small gift, wrapped up in pink paper, a drawing she colored, and this picture. She and my son both screaming happily, "happy mother's day mami!" I didn't know what to do with myself. When I saw the gifts, it changed everything.

I realized that it is unfair to them to not be able to celebrate their mom. They deserve to have fun, and to enjoy the process of buying me a little gift or drawing a pretty picture on a special day like that. All of their friends celebrate that special mom/person in their life and I can't ruin it because of my own personal struggle.

How I love my kids, and how they make me better. I can't put into words. The child I lost lives in my heart- and someday I'll get to see that face.

Happy Mother's day to all.

Working Mom.... The good, the bad, the sad, and the reality

Being a working mom is so tough. There is no simple way to say it. When I didn't have kids, I worked, I went to school. There was a time where I worked two jobs and went to school full time. I saw many working moms at my job, and figured, if they can do it, so can I.

They would drop off their kids at a daycare, and come to work. They seemed fine, and happy with their lives. I assumed this would be the case for me too. Growing up, my mom was a stay at home mom. She had a good job, but decided to stay home with us kids. Through the years, she would work on and off, part time here and there. Most of her time, was dedicated to us. If she was not working she was taking care of the home, and the kids.

Since I grew up here in the US, and my parents were going through a divorce, I always knew I "had" to work. I never wanted to depend on anyone for anything. I have been working since I was a teen. Once I had my son, I was already established with a job, and I thought it would be easy to work and be a mom, but for me, it was the total opposite.

You cry at work, on the way from work. You cry at home. You cry a lot. Randomly. Why? There's this thing called, "mom guilt". I cry all the time because I feel like I am missing out on my kids. I am not there for many of their firsts, instead my mom was. I had to hear all about it after a long day of work. Although I have a wonderful job, and they are so flexible and understanding, I still feel like I miss a lot.

You miss those little things, when they first sit up, first try a new food, etc. You also feel like a bad parent because you are leaving them. I remember when I dropped my son off at child care. For the first week, I could not stop crying. I couldn't believe someone else had my baby, and took care of my baby. It felt like my job was more important.

My daughter is my last one. No more babies. I want to feel present, and although I am a great mother, and I try very hard to be present, I still feel like it's not enough.

I scramble around to make up hours at my job in order to bring them to school, even if its just twice a week. I get up extra early in order to arrive sooner at work in order to pick my son up from school. Even if its only a couple of times a week. I'll rush on my lunch break to volunteer at my little girl's school/class activities. I take my lunch break and drive to see my son on his lunch. I sign them up for sports even though I'm exhausted.  I have never missed a game, and event or a school activity. As drained as I am, I make it. I will always make it.

Quit your job you say? If only life were so simple. Not only are there bills to think about that need to be paid, there is also the future. Many what if's cross my mind. I want to be able to provide for my kids and for myself.

I have thought of the idea of quitting and going back to school to finish my bachelor's. Once my kids are older I can return to the workforce, but there are many things that factor into such a big decision. I am just taking things one day at a time. Some days are just longer than others.

I think that no matter what you do- whether you stay at home, or work, you will always wonder if what you are doing is enough.

One thing that I try to keep in mind is, that I am doing the best I can, with what I have. My children are always first, and that gives me peace of mind. Working mom or not, they come first. They see everything we do as mothers- and they will love us for it all.

Revlon Pedi Expert Product Review

My thoughts on the Revlon Pedi Expert... 

Just a small little random post. I went to Ulta the other day and was just looking for nail essentials. Things like nail polish, remover , etc. I came across this Pedi expert from Revlon. I wanted to give it a try because let's face it, who goes to the salon weekly to get their feet done? 

I am always soo busy and its hard for me to schedule any "me" time. I actually enjoy just sitting in my room with a candle on and some good music while I try to carefully paint my nails. 

Anywho, I gave this a try and I really liked it! I've tried at home pedicure sets and none seem to work. This one has a great grip, easy to clean, and it works very well. My feet felt very smooth afterward. I've used it three times now and I really enjoy it.

You can purchase at any drugstore I believe. Here is the link to Ulta:

http://www.ulta.com/ulta/browse/productDetail.jsp?productId=xlsImpprod6400544&skuId=2270251&_requestid=1885562

With this you can lessen the trips to get your pedicure done at a professional salon, which takes up time and can be expensive. You can use it on dry feet. I washed my feet then dried them... and then used the pedi expert,. After that I applied vinegar, let it air dry and then put olive oil, followed by vaseline and comfy socks. 

It's only about$10.00 to buy. It was definitely worth it for this busy mom. 

Lash Extension experience

So,a few months back I decided to give lash extensions a try. I had been wanting to try them for months and months, but was very skeptical about it. I wondered, will the lash extensions look too fake? Will they damage my own lashes? How do you apply your make up? Well, the only way to find out was to give them a try.

I went in to Coiffeteria salon for a color and cut, and the girl who does lashes had a cancellation. I thought, the stars have aligned... this is a sign. ha! So I signed up and got them done.

The process:
You must have a clean face, no eye makeup. They will provide you with cleansing cloths, water, etc. Once your face is clean, you're ready to start.
You will be asked what look you are going for. Because I like simplicity, I asked for nice, full lashes, as if I were wearing mascara. ( you can obviously go for longer, more glamorous lashes) There are different lengths, colors and styles.
The process took about an hour. I was so happy with the end result. My eyes looked fuller, brighter. It really did look like I had great mascara.

The girl that did them really knew what she was doing and I think that is key in this whole process. The false lash is glued on individually to your lashes. My lashes did not feel heavy, and when I touched them, they felt natural.

They lasted about 3 weeks before I went in for my fill. The fill takes just under an hour, and the nice thing is that you can opt for the same look, or you can go more glamorous.

I was very happy with the look.

The pros:

NO mascara! I really dislike the clumping of mascara. I also am not a fan of the spidery look. My lashes are pretty long naturally, but I like them to look fuller, and more bold. Finding a mascara that doesn't clump and gives you that look isn't easy.

I feel like I'm ready to go every morning. I don't have to do too much to my eyes, I look wide awake, and usually for every day, I don't wear a lot of makeup, so it is nice to just apply BB cream and go.

If you take good care of your lashes, meaning , no tugging, wiping, or putting on too much makeup, they stay on for a good three weeks before you notice them falling out.

You don't have to wear false lashes. Personally, I do not like applying false lashes. It is such a tedious process and I feel like I can't ever get them even, or they look too obvious on me.

You CAN still wear makeup, just have to use oil free make up remover and be a little more careful when applying and removing.

The CONS:

It is not easy to apply makeup, but you get used to it.
it can be expensive. After the initial $200.00, the fills are about $50.00 every 3 weeks. This can be costly, and some may need to go every two weeks. It all depends on your lashes and how soon they fall out.
Eyeliner is so hard to put on.
Can't use olive oil-  I love to put on olive oil as a moisturizer every night, so this was a little bit harder to do with the lashes.


After 3 months, I removed the lashes. The reason behind this is, I wanted to see how my natural lashes looked, and if this is something that is worth continuing for me.

I have done my research and weighed the pros and cons and for me, the lashes are a great option.

My natural lashes looked great when I removed the extensions. I didn't feel like they looked less full. I actually felt like they appeared "stronger". This may not be the experience for everyone though.

It saves me so much time. I am always running around, whether it be to work, the gym, ballet practice, basketball practice ( I'm a working mother of two) and I just feel ready.

After a long day, I can just wash my face and go to bed. No need to scrub the eyes at all to remove mascara.

Expense wise, after that initial $200.00, I don't find it to be so bad. I don't splurge on mani/pedi's etc so this is my little expense for my self.  $50 every 3 weeks for great lashes, doesn't seem bad in my opinion.


Plus, if you like to wear false lashes, those are not cheap either. That's enough for now! I'm so glad I decided to give them a try. If you don't think that lash extensions are for you, some false lashes that I recommend are the MAC lashes, and Kardashian lashes. I have a few packets of the Kardashian lashes and I really liked them. I will update with names and photos later.