Living the life. With PPCM

I just don't know how to quit.

In 2012 I was diagnosed with PPCM shortly after I delivered my daughter. My delivery was not your traditional, happy , smooth process. or Even with a little drama, it wasn't the norm. It was probably the scariest moment in my life.

PPCM is a rare heart condition that occurs in the last month of pregnancy and up to six months after. This condition causes the heart chambers to enlarge and the muscle weakens, causing a decrease in the percentage of blood that is ejected from the heart with each contraction. The heart is no longer able to meet the body's demands for oxygen, affecting the lungs, liver and other body systems Source: heart.org.

Scary? Yeah. I'd say so.

The most scariest part of all of this, is not knowing what this is, or that you have it.  When I delivered Lily, I knew something was wrong, but I was told it was just my asthma. It took a lot of insisting for me to get checked by a cardiologist. To think they would have sent me home with heart failure if I didn't insist on something being wrong.

Fast forward 4 years, many tears, losses, depression, fears later I am considered "recovered" . Recovery just means that my heart is pumping normal again. But I don't consider myself normal. I have a hard time if I'm stressed, and any workout I do I have to build myself up to it, otherwise I'd be winded for days.

Normal also means that I can have more children but PPCM can be worse with the next pregnancy. Although many people say it is okay to do so, and I'm sure there is research now that can aid one in this situation, everyone is different. Every mind is also different. I choose not to.

I at first, was so angry. Why me? Why did this happen to me? Why me? I wanted to just be the normal person. I was so angry that this condition just had to happen to me. That my delivery was not the enjoyable , memorable one. That I didn't see my baby for a whole day while in the hospital because I was busy getting myself checked out. I felt like I failed at something and I couldn't understand why.

Being healthy all of my life and pretty active, it was so difficult to understand why I had gotten this unknown, rare, inexplainable heart condition.

Once I slowly began to recover, I wanted to go back to the gym, to go back to being my normal self so bad. I jumped on the elliptical for 30 long minutes, and then did light weight squats and i'm talking 20lb squat bar. I was winded for about a week straight after that. Needless to say I became more angry...and more disappointed.

It took me a month to accept my definition of NORMAL. Normal for me is still taking things slow, ensuring I don't stress much, and accepting that I, although wanted more kids, have a house for plenty of them, can't have them. It took me a long time to accept the new normal.

Once I accepted the normal definition for me in the gym, I started off very slow. I signed up for weightlifting classes because it helped me stay at a slow pace rather than my "normal" just do it pace. I eventually was able to continue lifting, and I learned to love bodybuilding in the process.

Today, I am pretty much normal. I can do everything anyone else can do and I push to do more, just because I cannot just sit back and take this horrible event. I want to feel like I overcame it. I live life a day at a time, and I always laugh at everything. Good or bad. It doesn't matter. I love having a positive outlook in life because negativity is more draining. "look at the bright side" at least I'm alive to see my kids grow, at least i can still function... someone, somewhere always has it worse than you.