Working Mom.... The good, the bad, the sad, and the reality

Being a working mom is so tough. There is no simple way to say it. When I didn't have kids, I worked, I went to school. There was a time where I worked two jobs and went to school full time. I saw many working moms at my job, and figured, if they can do it, so can I.

They would drop off their kids at a daycare, and come to work. They seemed fine, and happy with their lives. I assumed this would be the case for me too. Growing up, my mom was a stay at home mom. She had a good job, but decided to stay home with us kids. Through the years, she would work on and off, part time here and there. Most of her time, was dedicated to us. If she was not working she was taking care of the home, and the kids.

Since I grew up here in the US, and my parents were going through a divorce, I always knew I "had" to work. I never wanted to depend on anyone for anything. I have been working since I was a teen. Once I had my son, I was already established with a job, and I thought it would be easy to work and be a mom, but for me, it was the total opposite.

You cry at work, on the way from work. You cry at home. You cry a lot. Randomly. Why? There's this thing called, "mom guilt". I cry all the time because I feel like I am missing out on my kids. I am not there for many of their firsts, instead my mom was. I had to hear all about it after a long day of work. Although I have a wonderful job, and they are so flexible and understanding, I still feel like I miss a lot.

You miss those little things, when they first sit up, first try a new food, etc. You also feel like a bad parent because you are leaving them. I remember when I dropped my son off at child care. For the first week, I could not stop crying. I couldn't believe someone else had my baby, and took care of my baby. It felt like my job was more important.

My daughter is my last one. No more babies. I want to feel present, and although I am a great mother, and I try very hard to be present, I still feel like it's not enough.

I scramble around to make up hours at my job in order to bring them to school, even if its just twice a week. I get up extra early in order to arrive sooner at work in order to pick my son up from school. Even if its only a couple of times a week. I'll rush on my lunch break to volunteer at my little girl's school/class activities. I take my lunch break and drive to see my son on his lunch. I sign them up for sports even though I'm exhausted.  I have never missed a game, and event or a school activity. As drained as I am, I make it. I will always make it.

Quit your job you say? If only life were so simple. Not only are there bills to think about that need to be paid, there is also the future. Many what if's cross my mind. I want to be able to provide for my kids and for myself.

I have thought of the idea of quitting and going back to school to finish my bachelor's. Once my kids are older I can return to the workforce, but there are many things that factor into such a big decision. I am just taking things one day at a time. Some days are just longer than others.

I think that no matter what you do- whether you stay at home, or work, you will always wonder if what you are doing is enough.

One thing that I try to keep in mind is, that I am doing the best I can, with what I have. My children are always first, and that gives me peace of mind. Working mom or not, they come first. They see everything we do as mothers- and they will love us for it all.