Living the life. With PPCM

I just don't know how to quit.

In 2012 I was diagnosed with PPCM shortly after I delivered my daughter. My delivery was not your traditional, happy , smooth process. or Even with a little drama, it wasn't the norm. It was probably the scariest moment in my life.

PPCM is a rare heart condition that occurs in the last month of pregnancy and up to six months after. This condition causes the heart chambers to enlarge and the muscle weakens, causing a decrease in the percentage of blood that is ejected from the heart with each contraction. The heart is no longer able to meet the body's demands for oxygen, affecting the lungs, liver and other body systems Source: heart.org.

Scary? Yeah. I'd say so.

The most scariest part of all of this, is not knowing what this is, or that you have it.  When I delivered Lily, I knew something was wrong, but I was told it was just my asthma. It took a lot of insisting for me to get checked by a cardiologist. To think they would have sent me home with heart failure if I didn't insist on something being wrong.

Fast forward 4 years, many tears, losses, depression, fears later I am considered "recovered" . Recovery just means that my heart is pumping normal again. But I don't consider myself normal. I have a hard time if I'm stressed, and any workout I do I have to build myself up to it, otherwise I'd be winded for days.

Normal also means that I can have more children but PPCM can be worse with the next pregnancy. Although many people say it is okay to do so, and I'm sure there is research now that can aid one in this situation, everyone is different. Every mind is also different. I choose not to.

I at first, was so angry. Why me? Why did this happen to me? Why me? I wanted to just be the normal person. I was so angry that this condition just had to happen to me. That my delivery was not the enjoyable , memorable one. That I didn't see my baby for a whole day while in the hospital because I was busy getting myself checked out. I felt like I failed at something and I couldn't understand why.

Being healthy all of my life and pretty active, it was so difficult to understand why I had gotten this unknown, rare, inexplainable heart condition.

Once I slowly began to recover, I wanted to go back to the gym, to go back to being my normal self so bad. I jumped on the elliptical for 30 long minutes, and then did light weight squats and i'm talking 20lb squat bar. I was winded for about a week straight after that. Needless to say I became more angry...and more disappointed.

It took me a month to accept my definition of NORMAL. Normal for me is still taking things slow, ensuring I don't stress much, and accepting that I, although wanted more kids, have a house for plenty of them, can't have them. It took me a long time to accept the new normal.

Once I accepted the normal definition for me in the gym, I started off very slow. I signed up for weightlifting classes because it helped me stay at a slow pace rather than my "normal" just do it pace. I eventually was able to continue lifting, and I learned to love bodybuilding in the process.

Today, I am pretty much normal. I can do everything anyone else can do and I push to do more, just because I cannot just sit back and take this horrible event. I want to feel like I overcame it. I live life a day at a time, and I always laugh at everything. Good or bad. It doesn't matter. I love having a positive outlook in life because negativity is more draining. "look at the bright side" at least I'm alive to see my kids grow, at least i can still function... someone, somewhere always has it worse than you.

Working Mom duties.. How do you do it all?

My son had been sick for over a week with a fever last week. I had to take off work in order to take care of them. Thankfully, my managers are very understanding and help me when I need.
I was home for the entire day, tending to my son. His fever was consistent for so long, that I was starting to worry. Most people probably don't worry as much as I do, but I have had some family experiences that only make me question the doctors, and I am not at peace until I see that my kids are healing.
Trying to go to the gym, get work done, keep the house clean, cook for the little ones, and keep myself sane was so hard. I would be up at 4am with cold rags on my son's head to keep the fever down, and I'd probably fall asleep at 6am. My husband would let me sleep until about 9am, and the day got started as he headed into work. I tried to work from home as much as I could, and spend time with the kids. Although he was pretty sick, we enjoyed our time by watching movies, and snuggling no the couch. How did I keep up with my workouts and eating? Well, I made sure I had my meals prepped on Sunday. This is helpful because, life happens. Had I not prepped my meals for the entire week, I probably would not have been successful at staying on track because I was so busy taking care of the kids first. My husband would get home at about 11pm from work, and I'd rush out the door to the gym. All depending on the kids. If my son had a  high fever, I would wait for it to go down, then go. There were nights that I got back home at 2am from the gym. Only to be up in a few hours to take care of the fever again. Being a mom is so difficult, and setting goals for yourself is that much harder. You feel selfish, overwhelmed and stressed at times.
Someone who did not know that my son was sick, was asking me about my fitness journey. I was very welcoming and explained my daily routines, just to sound supportive and motivate the person to get started also. The response I got was, "How do you have time for your kids, do you must not do anything with them."
Needless to say, I was annoyed, offended, and hurt my her comment. With my son being sick and me being in the office that day, I was ready to cry. Before throwing in the towel I realized that, I am going to be judged anyways. I'll be judged for staying at home. I'll be judged for working. I'll be judged for not doing anything for myself. No matter what you do, people will have something to say. So, for the people who want to know how I work fulltime, and take care of the kids alone all week, and still work out six times a week and prep all my meals and get it all done? It's called drive. I'm driven, and I don't know how to be anything other than busy. I've grown up with parents who taught me what hard work is like. My father always told me that life is hard, and you have to get up and do it yourself. If you want something, you have to make a plan, and figure it out. Most of all, take things day by day. If I were to think of all of the things I have to do for the entire week, I'd stress and throw in the towel. I worry about Thursday. Today. What I need to accomplish for the day. My kids are active in basketball, soccer, swimming, and ballet and I do these things during the week also. It is exhausting, I can't lie. But it works for me and my family. We spend a lot of down time at home on the weekends, and my kids are happy as can be. I miss them, I wish I could be at home all day sometimes, but I make the best of my circumstances. That is what sets me apart from the people who say I do too much. I love it all. and I everything my all.